i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need a beard to bite.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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