I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We're too hungover to prance.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
