Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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