I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
