I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
