Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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