i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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