now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
