Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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