eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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