rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos