the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
