I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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