my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
