I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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