ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
