Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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