Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
