Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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