every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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