I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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