Need sex. Gaining weight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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