what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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