Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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