so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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