it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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