The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
