So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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