I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
