So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
