It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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