i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
