Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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