turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
