alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just sucked dick on a ferry
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
