Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
