oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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