im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
