I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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