he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
