i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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