Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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