Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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