if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
