i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize