Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
