I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
