My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I smell like Dick and happiness
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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