The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
