On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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