So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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