I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
