tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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