There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i think i just lost a toe
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
