i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
