If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
