did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Is it penis luge time yet?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
