My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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