the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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