I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
